the slack daily

Crap Women Don't Want For Valentine's Day.

(Previously published.)

If you’re someone who buys stock in the once-a-year-blowjob economy, then you know that this Tuesday is Valentine’s Day.

I'm not a fan of Valentine’s Day.

I’ve always hated Valentine’s Day, whether I was single or otherwise coupled.  I recently found myself in a greeting card store purchasing a wedding card for a friend of mine when I passed the Valentine’s Day display, which looked like they split Cupid open and shook his red-heart-shaped entrails all over the place.

I realize that I’m not the typical female in some ways. When I say I don’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day don’t buy me anything to my husband, what I mean is don’t buy me anything for Valentine’s Day.

I don’t mean when I say don’t buy me anything I mean don’t buy me anything typical, so I am expecting a hot air balloon ride followed by dinner at that restaurant where we will feast on baby panda, and then maybe, just maybe I’ll let you touch my boobs, and if you don’t I will sulk and withhold sex for an undetermined amount of time until you ask what’s wrong but I’ll say nothing’s wrong because you should just know. 

Don’t get me wrong – I love presents, and I even love days that people are obligated to buy me presents (my birthday is October 8, for anyone who’s wondering.) But Valentine’s Day is the fire sale of holidays, where unoriginality is rewarded.

Will and I have already had the talk: screw Valentine’s Day. However, for you guys who do choose to celebrate (and if you do, I hope you celebrate Steak and Blowjob Day, too!), I’ve compiled a list of Crap Women Don’t Want for Valentine’s Day.

The Vermont Teddy Bear

The Love Bandit will set you back $69.95 (ahem) and isn’t wearing pants.

Is your girlfriend in the seventh grade? Wait, don't answer that.

The last time a grown man gave her a pantless stuffed animal and used the phrase “Love Bandit” she ended up having to testify in open court.  And don’t believe the commercials, guys.

Anyone that excited over a teddy bear is probably a closet furry.

 
 

Flowers

I’ll admit it: I love flowers. (I may not be a typical female, but I still do possess a vagina.) However, would you go to a restaurant advertising their best meal at double the price for half the portion? ‘Cause that’s what you’re getting on Valentine’s Day, my friends.

And I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret: women like to get flowers at the office to make their female co-workers jealous.  You’re not getting them for your girlfriend, you’re getting them for Janice in Accounting.  However, if you want to bang Janice in Accounting, this might be a good way to open that door.  (But it also makes you a scumbag.)

 

Lingerie

A lot of women – myself included – love the idea of lingerie. But most guys have zero idea how to shop for it. Cheap lingerie is scratchy - imagine wearing a jockstrap made of sandpaper – it doesn’t exactly get you in the mood.  The fit has to be exactly right for a lot of lingerie to look good, unless you’re a Victoria’s Secret Model. 

If you’re reading this, you’re not dating a Victoria’s Secret Model.  And even on the off chance that you are, it’s like getting her a work uniform for a gift. (The same goes for nurses, catholic schoolgirls, and nuns.)

Hot? Yes. Your girlfriend? No.

Candy

If you’re going to get her candy, get her good candy. But be prepared for her to bitch you out that she was suddenly forced to eat the entire box and now she’s fat and no one will ever want to have sex with her again and if you loved her you’d know that but you are clearly blind.

But if she really likes candy, get it on February 15^th. Then you can get her twice as much candy for the same price. That’s love.

 

Herpes

Imagine the Vermont Teddy Bear commercial. Now substitute this adorable herpes doll.

My name is herpes..and I love you!

 

The true secret to gift giving can be unlocked with these three little words:

 

Listen.
Remember.
Buy.

 

And with those three little words, every day can be Valentine’s Day.

(Which means every day can be Steak and Blowjob Day.  You dig?)

 

 

 

 

 

One to Grow On.

 

So That Just Happened...

Then DC Pierson said:

 

You should follow DC, if you aren't already.

You Old Softie: A Closer Look at Erectile Dysfunction Ads.

Note: This post initially was published a couple of years ago on the comedy blog Pointless Banter, which Bobby Finstock sold for a tube sock full of lube.

 

I am constantly assaulted by images that the Almighty Cock is King.  One Pizza Delivery Guy can turn a couple of lesbians straight. When coupled with a business degree, a suit and a smattering of greed, it can turn the American economy on its ear (I didn’t see anyone who possessed a vagina testifying in front of Congress about the Wall Street Bailout Bill, although I did see a bunch of pussies who didn’t want to give up their private jets.) 

The penis: what can’t it do?

Here’s one thing it can’t do: get or maintain an erection as it gets older. That’s okay, though, the drug companies have come to your rescue! 

It’s just their advertising that’s a wee bit confusing. Here’s a look at the advertising campaigns from some of the, erm, big ones.

 

Viagra

I love Elvis.  Elvis – even fat Elvis sweating gravy in that white polyester jumpsuit – is manly. And if Viagra was around when the King was alive, I bet he’d take it.  Add in the idea that Lisa Marie’s “Church” probably wanted a slice of that Fat Elvis money cake and we’ve got Viva Viagra!

Now there’s that guy, you all know him: he’s constantly bragging about the chick he’s banging. She’s always a Playmate, a Supermodel, or lives in Canada.  But do guys hang out and jam about how they’re going home to bang the wife? According to Viva Viagra, they do.

A longtime blog reader once confessed to me that he didn’t get all that excited about the thought of having sex with his wife. I told him that she probably wasn’t doing the dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy over his old, saggy Nutcracker either.

 

Rock Hard Weekend

Rock Hard is one of the “natural” performance enhancers, promising to get it up and keep it up for 72 hours straight.  Guys, I’m going to let you in on a little secret here: there are precious few women that want to have sex for 72 hours in a row. Even a couple of hours and it feels like you’ve been humping Velcro. Yeah, I know Sting has Tantric sex which lasts for days with his wife Trudie Styler, but he’s also filthy rich and probably pays people to crap for him. The rest of us like to shower and walk the dog and catch the Real Housewives Marathon.

Rock Hard Weekend works the party route with the “Rock Hard Red Carpet.” (I was hoping that meant an entire lineup of redheads, but alas, I’m the only one that crass.)  The Hollywood shindig is staffed (ahem) with an assortment of skankalicious babes paid to hang out and let you think you have a shot at nailing them. Hot chicks to shill product is nothing new. What I don’t get are the famous dudes that show up to pimp the product. Isn’t that advertising that you can no longer get and keep it up?

(I’m also a client!)

 

Cialis

Every Cialis ad ends the same way: An older couple. Taking baths. Outside. In separate tubs.  I’ve been on a few nice vacations in my life, but I’ve never been somewhere where they dragged a claw foot tub into the wilderness so I could clean myself. Where are the native people holding the water buckets? Where are the towels? What abut shoes? The thought of myself at age 70 trying to get my saggy ass out of a slippery tub and walking barefoot and butt naked through the wilderness makes me want to break a hip now and get it over with. Not to mention that the only thing I want to do after a bath is nap. I’m already an old person.

 

Levitra

The current Levitra ads say “See Our Ad in This Old House.”  Well, that’s the problem. The problem isn’t that you can’t get it up because you’re older. You can’t get it up because you’re a woman. 

 

Enzyte

Enzyte is another “natural” male enhancer. But instead of using rock stars and skanky babes, they use…Santa.

Maybe there’s some sort of Secret Santa Fetish that I was previously unaware of, but I’m pretty sure that no one wants to sit on Santa Boner’s lap. Especially when he’s Bob from Accounting. 

 

Don’t get me wrong: I support the Penis Economy. I look forward to the day that my husband and I have old people sex. But these drugs sell themselves. Dump the ad agencies and use that money you were spending there for something really important. Like developing a cure for cancer. Or jetpacks.

 

Crap Women Don't Want For Valentine's Day

(Previously published by me on the now-defunct PointlessBanter.com.)

If you’re someone who buys stock in the once-a-year-blowjob economy, then you know that this Monday is Valentine’s Day.

I hate Valentine’s Day.

I’ve always hated Valentine’s Day, whether I was single or otherwise coupled.  I recently found myself in a greeting card store purchasing a wedding card for a friend of mine when I passed the Valentine’s Day display, which looked like they split Cupid open and shook his red-heart-shaped entrails all over the place.

I realize that I’m not the typical female in some ways. When I say I don’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day don’t buy me anything to my husband, what I mean is don’t buy me anything for Valentine’s Day.

I don’t mean when I say don’t buy me anything I mean don’t buy me anything typical, so I am expecting a hot air balloon ride followed by dinner at that restaurant where we will feast on baby panda, and then maybe, just maybe I’ll let you touch my boobs, and if you don’t I will sulk and withhold sex for an undetermined amount of time until you ask what’s wrong but I’ll say nothing’s wrong because you should just know. 

Don’t get me wrong – I love presents, and I even love days that people are obligated to buy me presents (my birthday is October 8, for anyone who’s wondering.) But Valentine’s Day is the fire sale of holidays, where unoriginality is rewarded.

Will and I have already had the talk: screw Valentine’s Day. However, for you guys who do choose to celebrate (and if you do, I hope you celebrate Steak and Blowjob Day, too!), I’ve compiled a list of Crap Women Don’t Want for Valentine’s Day.

The Vermont Teddy Bear

The Love Bandit will set you back $69.95 (ahem) and isn’t wearing pants.

Is your girlfriend in the seventh grade? Wait, don't answer that.

The last time a grown man gave her a pantless stuffed animal and used the phrase “Love Bandit” she ended up having to testify in open court.  And don’t believe the commercials, guys.

Anyone that excited over a teddy bear is probably a closet furry.

 
 

Flowers

I’ll admit it: I love flowers. (I may not be a typical female, but I still do possess a vagina.) However, would you go to a restaurant advertising their best meal at double the price for half the portion? ‘Cause that’s what you’re getting on Valentine’s Day, my friends.

And I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret: women like to get flowers at the office to make their female co-workers jealous.  You’re not getting them for your girlfriend, you’re getting them for Janice in Accounting.  However, if you want to bang Janice in Accounting, this might be a good way to open that door.  (But it also makes you a scumbag.)

 

Lingerie

A lot of women – myself included – love the idea of lingerie. But most guys have zero idea how to shop for it. Cheap lingerie is scratchy - imagine wearing a jockstrap made of sandpaper – it doesn’t exactly get you in the mood.  The fit has to be exactly right for a lot of lingerie to look good, unless you’re a Victoria’s Secret Model. 

If you’re reading this, you’re not dating a Victoria’s Secret Model.  And even on the off chance that you are, it’s like getting her a work uniform for a gift. (The same goes for nurses, catholic schoolgirls, and nuns.)

Hot? Yes. Your girlfriend? No.

Candy

If you’re going to get her candy, get her good candy. But be prepared for her to bitch you out that she was suddenly forced to eat the entire box and now she’s fat and no one will ever want to have sex with her again and if you loved her you’d know that but you are clearly blind.

But if she really likes candy, get it on February 15^th. Then you can get her twice as much candy for the same price. That’s love.

 

Herpes

Imagine the Vermont Teddy Bear commercial. Now substitute this adorable herpes doll.

My name is herpes..and I love you!

 

The true secret to gift giving can be unlocked with these three little words:

 

Listen.
Remember.
Buy.

 

And with those three little words, every day can be Valentine’s Day.

(Which means every day can be Steak and Blowjob Day.  You dig?)

 

 

 

 

 

Where the Vagina Ends.

A tale, in three parts:

 

 

Follow me on Twitter here.

THERE IS SOMETHING VERY WRONG WITH THIS.

And that very wrong thing is: DID MISS PIGGY HAVE A FACELIFT?

This Would Mean More If I Was an Objectophile

As many of you know, Will and I got married at the Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas on May 10, 2007. The wedding photographer came with the wedding bundle and did a great job. Well, mostly.

HOLY PHOTOSHOP, BATMAN!

The Mandalay Bay (or the adjoining THEhotel) is hands-down my favorite place to stay in Las Vegas. Maybe the Mandalay Bay secretly knew this, because I received an email yesterday that had the subject line You Have a Friend with Benefits at the Mandalay Bay.

Now, every time I've stayed at the Mandalay Bay, it's been with a boyfriend (then fiance, then husband.) So I think I'd remember if I had a "Friend with Benefits" lurking in a cabana by the Lazy River.

I investigated further.

Aha, the HOTEL ITSELF is the "Friend with Benefits"

So I'm being hit on by a hotel. This would mean a lot more if I was an Objectophile.

You can follow Mandalay Bay for deals on Twitter.

Note: I was not paid for this post. I just like the Mandalay Bay and being hit on by inanimate objects. However, if the Mandalay Bay would like to offer Will and I complimentary stay, who am I to say no? I probably won't take photos of me making out with the building.

What Color is Your Ladychute?

When I was in the 7th grade, SlackMom took me to have my colors done.  

We drove from one white middle-class suburb to another white middle-class suburb, where rows upon rows of beige houses were set back onto green lawns in a never-ending maze of cul-de-sacs. I sat someone's kitchen table while she explained that I was a "winter."

Yes, I know that there's been a horrific earthquake in Haiti (Partners in Health is an organization that has been successfully working in Haiti under impoverished conditions for years and are putting up medical tents to deal with injured survivors) and children don't have clean drinking water all over the globe, but this was the suburbs in 1983. Your colors (and your perm and who was going to ask you "out" even though my parents strictly forbade any type of dating in Junior High) were LANDMARK ISSUES.

I can't find a scanned photo of me in junior high, so imagine this photo, but, y'know, LESS COOL.

It's this sort of early childhood education that puts me ahead of the rest of my class, because now I don't have to ask what color labial lipstick Genital Cosmetic Colorant to purchase. I'm clearly a Bettie!

Dear Women,

Your vadge is fine.  No, really. Have you ever seen a flaccid penis? I mean, C'MON.

Love,

the slackmistress

(Please print out and place on your mirror if needed.)

MAN IN HAT vs. GIRL WITH BIG BOOBS...

...is the alternate name of our show, according to my husband:

Remember the weekly chat show that Slackmistress and I used to do on Saturdays? You remember…the one where we told stories and occasionally sang songs. It’s called Be The Marriage (except in Japan where it’s called Man in Hat vs. Girl with Big Boobs) and it went away at the end of last year due to scheduling issues and a few holidays.  Well, it’s coming back again!

We quietly restarted our show last Saturday at a new time, 8:00 PM Eastern Time, 5:00 PM Pacific (you can do the math on the other time zones). We’ll be back this Saturday night at the same new time so join us. You can tune in live or watch archived episodes here.

You can also find some background info on what we do here.  We’ll see you on Saturday.

This post

1. Is self-absorbed
2. Mentions boobs
3. Talks about my husband

TRIFECTA!

You can continue to ask me anonymous questions of the insulting and non-insulting variety here.

If you'd like to witness how much more self-absorbent I am over the leading brand, swing by BetheMarriage LIVE! (On Ice!) tomorrow at 5pm PST/8pm EST on UStream!