You know that it's there, but you just don't know where - but just because you can never reach it doesn't mean that it's not worth looking for. -- Norton Juster, The Phantom Tollbooth
It's been an odd few weeks. Four of them, in fact. And it's not just me; everyone that I know seems to be experiencing the similar peculiar turns of events. Random small-world moments, bits of literature dropping from the sky, staccato pieces of personal history filling in blanks that most of us would rather have left empty. I spend my days thinking more than I probably should. It's a luxury, and one that I probably can no longer afford.
I wrote a few days back that I don't believe in some Grand Plan, but I do believe that there are thematic elements that weave through our lives. I'm noticing patterns of my own, some healthy, some notsomuch. I need to finish the projects I've started. I need to start the projects I've said I'd finish. Every time I work on one thing I think I'd rather work on something else. I have files upon files of partially written works, scripts, pitches, ideas....I wonder if I'm being insufferably lazy or incredibly prolific.
I've given myself 'til the end of the year finish Geek's Guide to Girls, which is currently a random assortment of IMs and thoughts and theories crammed into a single MS Word file. The more I work on it, the more I think what right do I have to be giving anyone dating advice? But then again, why not me? I'm also considering for the first time ever, possibly jumping into the NaNoWriMo pool with another idea that's been kicking around my cranium for years.
I'm finding for the first time in ages that I'm inspired by what's out there. My TiVo is chock full of TV I'm excited to watch. My iTunes is filled with music that I had either forgotten about or had completely missed the first time around. I'm re-reading Watchmen and discovering new elements that I couldn't fully relate to six years ago. My friends are creating worlds that I can't wait to see unfold.
I ran out of funds a while back, and now I'm running out of time. It's a weird paradox; I'm both paralyzed and kinetic. I feel like I'm doing everything and nothing.
It's clear I'm completely lost. But am I going in circles or forging ahead?
I'm terrified. I'm melancholy.
And I'm also enjoying the hell out of myself.
I don't know. You figure it out.