Last year on Oscar day, I made a joke on Twitter that "I picked the wrong day to have a last-minute colonic." Because poop is funny. I don't make the rules.
Ten minutes later, I had a text, a voicemail, and an email from a Producer at TMZ.
They wanted to talk to me about my tweet.
I don't make it a point of feeding the gossip machine, but I emailed her back because she wouldn't stop calling.
WHO DID YOU SEE? she wrote.
A Producer from TMZ saw my tweet and assumed that I had strolled down to my local Bob's Colonic Shack for a walk-in appointment and was turned away by the legions of stars who were hours away from Oscar gowns.
I realized in that moment that I could have made something up, but even I am not that much of an asshole. I explained it was a joke. She asked was I sure? I assured her that I knew what a joke was, and colonics-before-the-Oscars was my hackiest work.
I'll probably be livetweeting the red carpet today because it's way more fun that the ceremony. Follow along here if you'd like. Even HelloGiggles gave a shout-out, so it's not just my mom who thinks I'm funny.
And a PSA: Let's not celebrate women (and men - though you read about this less) voluntarily starving themselves to fit into clothes on the red carpet today. Every time Ryan Seacrest asks about an actress' diet he should be forced to make a donation to an Eating Disorders or Food Insecurity charity.
PPS. Can I do a self-callout? I just realized that colonics are part and parcel of terrible things people (again, mostly women) to do themselves to lose weight. Seriously, I am a complete fucking jerk and part of the problem and I am retiring that hack joke. Apologies.