(Previously published by me on the now-defunct PointlessBanter.com.)
If you’re someone who buys stock in the once-a-year-blowjob economy, then you know that this Monday is Valentine’s Day.
I hate Valentine’s Day.
I’ve always hated Valentine’s Day, whether I was single or otherwise coupled. I recently found myself in a greeting card store purchasing a wedding card for a friend of mine when I passed the Valentine’s Day display, which looked like they split Cupid open and shook his red-heart-shaped entrails all over the place.
I realize that I’m not the typical female in some ways. When I say I don’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day don’t buy me anything to my husband, what I mean is don’t buy me anything for Valentine’s Day.
I don’t mean when I say don’t buy me anything I mean don’t buy me anything typical, so I am expecting a hot air balloon ride followed by dinner at that restaurant where we will feast on baby panda, and then maybe, just maybe I’ll let you touch my boobs, and if you don’t I will sulk and withhold sex for an undetermined amount of time until you ask what’s wrong but I’ll say nothing’s wrong because you should just know.
Don’t get me wrong – I love presents, and I even love days that people are obligated to buy me presents (my birthday is October 8, for anyone who’s wondering.) But Valentine’s Day is the fire sale of holidays, where unoriginality is rewarded.
Will and I have already had the talk: screw Valentine’s Day. However, for you guys who do choose to celebrate (and if you do, I hope you celebrate Steak and Blowjob Day, too!), I’ve compiled a list of
Crap Women Don’t Want for Valentine’s Day.
The Vermont Teddy Bear
The Love Bandit will set you back $69.95 (ahem) and isn’t wearing pants.
The last time a grown man gave her a pantless stuffed animal and used the phrase “Love Bandit” she ended up having to testify in open court. And don’t believe the commercials, guys.
I’ll admit it: I love flowers. (I may not be a typical female, but I still do possess a vagina.) However, would you go to a restaurant advertising their best meal at double the price for half the portion? ‘Cause that’s what you’re getting on Valentine’s Day, my friends.
And I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret: women like to get flowers at the office to make their female co-workers jealous. You’re not getting them for your girlfriend, you’re getting them for Janice in Accounting. However, if you want to bang Janice in Accounting, this might be a good way to open that door. (But it also makes you a scumbag.)
A lot of women – myself included – love the idea of lingerie. But most guys have zero idea how to shop for it. Cheap lingerie is scratchy - imagine wearing a jockstrap made of sandpaper – it doesn’t exactly get you in the mood. The fit has to be exactly right for a lot of lingerie to look good, unless you’re a Victoria’s Secret Model.
If you’re reading this, you’re not dating a Victoria’s Secret Model. And even on the off chance that you are, it’s like getting her a work uniform for a gift. (The same goes for nurses, catholic schoolgirls, and nuns.)
If you’re going to get her candy, get her good candy. But be prepared for her to bitch you out that she was suddenly forced to eat the entire box and now she’s fat and no one will ever want to have sex with her again and if you loved her you’d know that but you are clearly blind.
But if she really likes candy, get it on February 15th. Then you can get her twice as much candy for the same price. That’s love.
Imagine the Vermont Teddy Bear commercial. Now substitute this adorable herpes doll.