Sometimes, at parties gatherings while I take out the garbage, conversations crop up about the things we do. After saying I'm a writer and then no, really, I'm a writer the conversation turns to other things to do because let's face it, writing is solitary and boring and no one cares until it's done so there's nothing more boring that being in a social setting and talking about all of the things that the people in your fake world do. So the conversation turns to something else, the other thing that makes me "interesting" for the socially-obligated 10 minutes, and that's running and obstacle racing.
I don't look like a runner, but that's okay, because I don't feel like a runner, either. After the Homeboy 5K a few weeks back, I was saying to a friend's stepfather that I wasn't really a runner, I just sometimes ran.
How far do you sometimes run? he asked.
I dunno. Three. Four. Five miles? I replied.
That sounds like you're a runner to me.
I'm doing my second half-marathon this Sunday, but I still don't feel like a runner. (I've also done a Merrell 10k Down & Dirty, a Tough Mudder, a Spartan Sprint and will do a Super Spartan in two weeks, but I still don't feel like an obstacle racer, either. I am nothing if not consistent.)
I am not good at these things. I am not fast. But I go out there and do it, because well, what else am I gonna do?
So with that I present to you:
THE SLACKMISTRESS' FIVE STAGES OF RUNNING
1. I AM A GAZELLE
I am graceful and gifted. I glide through the streets silently, my breath in perfect harmony with nature. I am everything and nothing. I am one with the road.
Time: 1% of the total run
2. OKAY, I'M A WATER BUFFALO
I am not graceful, I am not gifted, I am not silent. But I can trundle through the streets like a large, leathery, exotic farm animal. I will escape predators. Hopefully.
Time: 13% of the total run
3. THIS IS A CHOICE
You chose to do this. You laced up the sneakers of your super-cute running shoes and strapped on your iPhone because you are the dumbest person who ever dumbed. Now you are out here, looking like overweight clown with a bum leg. Stick to balloon animals. Idiot.
Time: 27% of the total run
4. YOU'RE GOING TO DIE
Time: 53% of the total run
5. YOU'RE DEAD
This may be the mysterious "runner's high." It's like a physical nirvana where you hate the world and all its people and everything hurts.
Fuck enlightenment, this afterlife blows.
Time: 6% of the total run