What it's like to be married to me:
I already won the Powerball.(My husband has bionic testicles.)— Nina Bargiel (@slackmistress) November 28, 2012
Will and I were driving back form Vegas this morning listening to Pete Holmes' You Made It Weird, featuring the very funny Kumail Nanjiani. Kumail was talking about his relationship with his wife, Emily and we were somewhere between baker and Barstow so I was at that point where you've looked at the desert so long that it's just one large Tetris board of brushes and roadkill when...
Me: Did Kumail just say he peed on his wife?
Will: No, he said impede. He was talking about things that impede a relationship.
Me: Peeing on someone would probably impede your relationship.
Will: If you wanted to pee on me, I'd let you pee on me.
Will: Seriously! That's how much I love you.
Me: Forget it. You'd make me wash the sheets afterwards.
Will: Nope. I'd wash the sheets. And fold them. And put them away.
Me: That's commitment.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I do not want to pee on anyone. (Not right now, anyway.)
Yesterday, I linked to my brother Jeremy's (I guess I can stop referring to him as Older SlackBrother J.? This is how long I have been around blogland, people have chosen to lose their anonymity!) blog post Giant Sharks, Southern Rock, & Sex Slaves.
Listen, you have marshmallow-topped candied sweet potatoes.
We have Lynyrd Skynrd.
So with that, I bring you this Thankgiving video, made six years ago by all of the Bargiel siblings.
I think I'm actually ready for Thanksgiving this year! (I can eat and defend my life choices at the same time.)— Nina Bargiel (@slackmistress) November 21, 2012
Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.
I like to say that I'm an asshole on Internet, and that's 100%. But in real life I like to be an asshole with some common human decency. I failed that today at the Trader Joe's.
I was in line, paid for my purchases and realized I had forgotten to get the gift card that I had specifically gone there to get. The person who had been behind me was checking out, so I turned around, and went up the line and got back in it.
I stood there for a minute, maybe two, until it was my turn. And then I heard a voice behind me say:
Are you in line?
I turned around. Yes I am.
She huffed at me.
My only guess is that she had gotten into line just as I was making my way up the aisle to get in line. But I swear, I hadn't seen her. I only cut lines by tipping people, and that rarely works at the grocery store. Why hadn't she said anything the second she saw me? I felt like a jerk.
I'm so sorry, I said, I didn't see you. Would you like to go ahead?
She rolled her eyes.
No, really, please go ahead. I moved aside.
She turned away.
At this point, I realized that nothing was gong to make up for my egregious sin. I was the asshole, so I might as well own it. I paid for the gift card and told her to have a nice day.
Somewhere in out there in the Internet universe, I hope she is blogging about me.
Your Friendly Neighborhood Asshole
Yesterday, I decided I was done with my rage boner. DONE I SAY. I was going to venture out into the world. Go to the gym. Grocery shop. Maybe even make a fancy dinner. JOYBONER!
I went out to my car with my gym bag (iPhone, headphones, workout log, post-workout drink) and my wallet and was ready to TAKE ON THE DAY!
My car wouldn't start.
We're not talking it wouldn't even catch, but it wouldn't even start. Just a tick-tick-tick sound that let you know that it's been six years since you bought this battery, how 'bout a little love?
I sat in the driver's seat as my joyboner wilted. Rage peeked around the corner of my brain, ready for a quick comeback.
One deep breath. Two.
I called Will.
You know, he told me, you could change it yourself.
To be fair, that's probably why my lizard brain called him. To be told that I could handle it. But my princess brain wanted to stomp her feet and flounce inside and huff a cupcake.
One deep breath. Two.
I'll find a link and send it to you, he told me.
Today has been one long rage boner.— Nina Bargiel (@slackmistress) November 14, 2012
I have been sitting here for the past five minutes, looking at this blank box, searching for something to say. It's not Writer's Block, it's just that the past couple of days have been a mix of shock, anger, and general pissed-offedness. I want to shake the world the world by it's scruff and I also want to dive under the covers and I also want to eat all the things and I really just want to push it all aside and just do the things I need to do: write, gym, errands.
The reality is that I have a pretty easy go of it. A friend of mine once said "pain is pain" when I was mourning the loss of my dog and she was mourning the loss of her marriage. But then I also think of SlackDad, who was fond of saying "you don't have real problems. Not having a roof over your head or food to eat or living in fear for your life, those are real problems."
(Okay, to be completely accurate, add a "now don't be an asshole" to the end of SlackDad's mission statement.)
So with all of this stuff flying around in my brain, I reminded myself that the only common denominator here is me. I'm lucky in that I have a lot of control over my life, how I live it, and what happens to me. And when I feel off-track, I find it's good to go back to what works. The foundations, if you will. For a lot of people, that's God. For me, it's the The Three Edicts:
1. Don't be an asshole.
2. Are you being an asshole?
3. See #1.
(They're called the Three Edicts because it has "dick" in it and dicks are funny.)
DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING?
May your problems be the kind that the above can solve.
When I die I want my ashes scattered in the fountain from the opening of Friends.— Tristan Devin (@screamdracula) April 23, 2012
You took your own life. I didn't know you felt so alone. Or like there wasn't a way out. My guess is that a lot of people didn't know. I don't know. Maybe we never know.
I am not so bold to think that I could have prevented you, that a Tweet or a text or Facebook post from me would have made any difference. I am a person from the Internet, even though we had spoken and even had drinks, we were part of a greater community of people. Funny people. Friends of Tom. THe WFMU community. That community is poorer today.
People do things because they do them. You did this thing and that's that. We don't get a say. There is a Tristan-shaped hole in the universe that can't be filled. But I hope that your friends and your family will heal, and in time, I hope they will take some comfort in knowing that we all share in their grief.
I hope, Tristan, that you knew that you were liked. You were loved. You made people laugh. You made me laugh. You were a good, funny, kind person and the world will mourn your loss because we need good, funny, kind people.
On November 4, 2008, Will and I were out the door at 6:43am because we couldn't wait to go vote for then-candidate Barack Obama.
There were about ten people ahead of us and 25 behind us when the polls opened at 7am.
There is something magical about the election process. In a country where the haves have a lot and the have-nots have so little, the voting booth is the one place where our voice has equal weight.
Sixteen minutes after we arrived, the polls opened. Three minutes after that, I was in the booth.
People around the country have waited hours to vote.
It wasn't long ago that people in this country died for the right to vote.
People around the world are dying for it right now.
(Seriously, it's awesome.)
Voting with my head, heart, & my vagina today so I hope that booth has a yoga mat.— Nina Bargiel (@slackmistress) November 6, 2012
Sunday I had plans to go out with a friend for brunch.
In the wake of Hurricane Sandy, we turned it four friends going on a blood date.
From my Tumblr:
I know that in the wake of Hurricane Sandy there are a lot of people who want to help, but don't have the means to do so. Donating blood is an easy way to do so.
I just discovered that you can make a blood donation appointment ONLINE. The link above will let you search for the nearest blood drive or Red Cross.
Also: there are different types of blood donations, so check this link out and see if you might be a good match for a platelet or a plasma donation. My blood type is A neg, which makes me a good match for a double-red donation, which allows you to give two units of blood instead of one. So I just scheduled my appointment to be a double-red donor this Sunday afternoon in Glendale. Two of my friends are going with me.
IT'S A BLOOD DATE!
(With free cookies!)
Alas, it turns out that Red Cross California female double-red blood donors have to be 175 pounds (because they take four pints of blood) so I had to do just a regular blood donation.
Other ways to help: