Note: This post initially was published a couple of years ago on the comedy blog Pointless Banter, which Bobby Finstock sold for a tube sock full of lube.
I am constantly assaulted by images that the Almighty Cock is King. One Pizza Delivery Guy can turn a couple of lesbians straight. When coupled with a business degree, a suit and a smattering of greed, it can turn the American economy on its ear (I didn’t see anyone who possessed a vagina testifying in front of Congress about the Wall Street Bailout Bill, although I did see a bunch of pussies who didn’t want to give up their private jets.)
The penis: what can’t it do?
Here’s one thing it can’t do: get or maintain an erection as it gets older. That’s okay, though, the drug companies have come to your rescue!
It’s just their advertising that’s a wee bit confusing. Here’s a look at the advertising campaigns from some of the, erm, big ones.
I love Elvis. Elvis – even fat Elvis sweating gravy in that white polyester jumpsuit – is manly. And if Viagra was around when the King was alive, I bet he’d take it. Add in the idea that Lisa Marie’s “Church” probably wanted a slice of that Fat Elvis money cake and we’ve got Viva Viagra!
Now there’s that guy, you all know him: he’s constantly bragging about the chick he’s banging. She’s always a Playmate, a Supermodel, or lives in Canada. But do guys hang out and jam about how they’re going home to bang the wife? According to Viva Viagra, they do.
A longtime blog reader once confessed to me that he didn’t get all that excited about the thought of having sex with his wife. I told him that she probably wasn’t doing the dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy over his old, saggy Nutcracker either.
Rock Hard is one of the “natural” performance enhancers, promising to get it up and keep it up for 72 hours straight. Guys, I’m going to let you in on a little secret here: there are precious few women that want to have sex for 72 hours in a row. Even a couple of hours and it feels like you’ve been humping Velcro. Yeah, I know Sting has Tantric sex which lasts for days with his wife Trudie Styler, but he’s also filthy rich and probably pays people to crap for him. The rest of us like to shower and walk the dog and catch the Real Housewives Marathon.
Rock Hard Weekend works the party route with the “Rock Hard Red Carpet.” (I was hoping that meant an entire lineup of redheads, but alas, I’m the only one that crass.) The Hollywood shindig is staffed (ahem) with an assortment of skankalicious babes paid to hang out and let you think you have a shot at nailing them. Hot chicks to shill product is nothing new. What I don’t get are the famous dudes that show up to pimp the product. Isn’t that advertising that you can no longer get and keep it up?
(I’m also a client!)
Every Cialis ad ends the same way: An older couple. Taking baths. Outside. In separate tubs. I’ve been on a few nice vacations in my life, but I’ve never been somewhere where they dragged a claw foot tub into the wilderness so I could clean myself. Where are the native people holding the water buckets? Where are the towels? What abut shoes? The thought of myself at age 70 trying to get my saggy ass out of a slippery tub and walking barefoot and butt naked through the wilderness makes me want to break a hip now and get it over with. Not to mention that the only thing I want to do after a bath is nap. I’m already an old person.
The current Levitra ads say “See Our Ad in This Old House.” Well, that’s the problem. The problem isn’t that you can’t get it up because you’re older. You can’t get it up because you’re a woman.
Enzyte is another “natural” male enhancer. But instead of using rock stars and skanky babes, they use…Santa.
Maybe there’s some sort of Secret Santa Fetish that I was previously unaware of, but I’m pretty sure that no one wants to sit on Santa Boner’s lap. Especially when he’s Bob from Accounting.
Don’t get me wrong: I support the Penis Economy. I look forward to the day that my husband and I have old people sex. But these drugs sell themselves. Dump the ad agencies and use that money you were spending there for something really important. Like developing a cure for cancer. Or jetpacks.