Note: This post initially was published last year on the comedy blog Pointless Banter, which Bobby Finstock sold or abandoned or traded for "gently used" copies of Swank from the Sam Kinison estate on eBay.
Are Bravo's the Real Housewives of Orange County the Worst People in the History of the Universe?
I have a confession to make. Now you need to understand that I’ve been blogging for twelve years. There’s precious little that embarrasses me. My life is the virtual open book, each humiliating moment mined for as much material as I can possibly wring out of it.
But what I’m about to tell you may perhaps be the most mortifying words I’ve ever committed to the screen:
I watch The Real Housewives of Orange County.
I don’t watch them because I harbor some burning desire to move south and set up shop in a gated McMansion Community, or because I yearn for expensive chain restaurants, lopsided bolt-on boob jobs and a leatherette tan.
Sure, they have huge (probably mortgaged to the hilt) houses, they drive expensive (probably leased with an inch of their life) cars, they have huge bling (probably charged on a maxed-out credit card) on their fingers.
But they’re terrible human beings. The housewives gossip. They backstab. They’re mean to their husbands and overindulge their children. I understand that hot can make up for crazy. And obnoxious. And even dumb. But I have a difficult time figuring out how any of them became housewives in the first place.
I watch The Real Housewives because it’s the chick’s version of Tool Academy: one hour out of my week where I am certain to feel morally superior.
They’re the worst people in the history of people, Will said to me one evening.
Which got me to thinking: how do they rack up to some of the worst people in the History of the Universe?
Hitler: Those of you born in the 1990s may know Hitler as the head of the bad guys in Call of Duty. (Or as a recent commentator on Oscar Fashion on this very blog.) I know him ‘cause he wiped out a good portion of my mom’s family during World War II (and made it impossible for me to complain about anything as a kid. No matter how much you think anything sucks, you can’t compete with Hitler.)
During the course of World War II, Hitler slaughtered nearly 12 million people in concentration camps, mostly Jews, but also Russians, Gypsies, Homosexuals…anyone that didn’t fit into his German Nationalist World View.
The Real Housewives of Orange County: The Housewives exercise a reign of terror over their section of Orange County, casting a critical eye at anything that doesn’t fit into their Miracle Whip worldview. A recent (and let’s face it, probably free) meal at one of the nicest restaurants in Napa Valley had housewife Tamra Barney complaining
Where is an Olive Garden when you need one?!
During the course of a single Bravo television season, repeated viewings of The Real Housewives of Orange County will kill twelve million brain cells.
Who’s Worse? Hitler.
C’mon, he’s Hitler.
Joseph Fritzl: In April of 2008, it was discovered that the Austrian man had kept his daughter prisoner in the basement for 24 years, fathering seven of her children.
Even Yandy doesn't sell a "Sexy Joseph Fritzl" costume.
The Housewives: The Housewives have each produced their own demon spawn (minus this season’s new addition, Gretchen Rossi), but instead of locking them in their million-dollar-tract-house basements, they’ve released them into the world. Overindulged, over-entitled, underemployed - who has time to work when you’ve got to do beer bongs with your bikini-clad mom and her fake-titted friends at Lake Havasu?
In short, they’re the reason the rest of the world hates us.
Who’s Worse: The Housewives.
Fritzl is a monster, but it’s not his kids’ fault that their dad is insane. The Housewives are raising their demon spawn and releasing them into the world.
Simon Cowell: The American Idol judge is responsible for also foisting America’s Got Talent and Celebrity Duets onto the public, creating a safe haven for washed-up celebrities and reality star wannabes everywhere.
Cowell’s best known for his biting criticism on Idol, usually starting with “I don’t want to be rude, but…” I don’t mean to be rude, but the guy is a douchebag. Of course, this is not news. But he may have single-handedly created the douchebag economy, as well as a platform to celebrate the least talented among us.
The Housewives: Celebrating the least talented among us is what the Housewives are all about. Never has so much been done with so little.
Who’s Worse: I’m gonna go with a tie.