Short Version:
"Just look at the recent `Khakis of the Dead' campaign,"
said Bug. "By using Balanchine and Andy Warhol and all these dead
people to hustle khakis, the Gap permits the Gap wearer to dissociate from
the now and enter a nebulous then,
wherever one wants then to be in one's head . . , this big place
that stretches from Picasso's'20s to the hippie'60s."
--Douglas Coupland, Microserfs
I now own this dress:
(However, I have much larger boobs. Oh, and a head.)
Long version:
This morning, I did something that I've never done before.
I had coffee with a marketing person. About this blog.
People always tell me to put up ads. I haven't, mostly because I'm lazy. As the social media world has turned from social to media, I realized that I was going to have to soon think about what my policy about such things would be. Would I take money? Would I review products for free? Would I have a disclaimer?
I was once pitched a cell phone to try out for three months, except that I read the disclaimer and if the phone was lost, stolen, or broken you would have to pay $600 or your firstborn and at the time I didn't have $600 and I thought it would be just my luck to have to have a baby to pay for a broken cell phone.
I had a glass of wine instead.
I decided my policy would be that I wouldn't look at anything that I wouldn't actually, really use. Which means that you will not find me being a Wonderbra sponsor (they don't come in 34DDD. They make you think they are pro-boob, but they are ANTI-ACTUAL-BOOBS!) or shilling near-beer. But when I saw "The Gap..." my brain did a little happy dance of joy that looked something like this (shut up, in my head I am a prima ballerina. And the swan doesn't die in the end, she lays an easter egg filled with power-ups to get unlimited tries to save the princess.) The Gap is like my family: always there for you. Mostly reliable. And sometimes they make you cry.
As I was trying on outfits this morning, I realized the last time I had been at this particular Gap was back in 2000. I had just lost a bunch of weight and gotten my first writing gig ("Lizzie McGuire.") One of the things I loved about the Gap was that it was there for me when I was heavy.
(Gap Size 18 Boot-Cut Jeans)
When you're someone who can walk in a store and buy something off the rack, you have a tendency to take this for granted. Overweight women never take this for granted. Shopping is generally a nightmare of poorly-lit dressing rooms and swallowing your pride when you ask for the next size up. It's not like I had kicked a baby or overthrown a country - I was just fat. But if you're fat or you've ever been fat, well, you know how it is.
The Gap was the one place I could go in and know I could walk out with something suitable to wear.
But there was only one time I broke down and cried in a dressing room, and it was at the store I was at this morning - Gap Century City - where I realized that I was trying on - and fitting into - size ten pants.
In my entire adult life, I had never been a size ten.
I remembered looking at the photo above and knowing that I had to make a choice, not just for my looks or my health but because of who I was. I used the "funny fat girl" like a force-field to deflect attention, a disguise for the self-loathing I harbored inside like a fugitive. I was terrified, because underneath it all, I didn't know what I'd find. Or if I'd like it.
I studied myself this morning in the dress. I had pulled a twelve off the rack because I've worn that size for the past couple of years. Until...
How's the dress? J, the marketing woman asked through the dressing-room door.
I think I need a size ten, I responded.
The Conclusion:
Their whole process is just beginning, but I said I'd like to be considered. Should that happen, I will be 100% completely clear. This blog will always be about me, because I'm a narcissist that way. I just may be better-dressed and occasionally write about it. Oh, and I don't have to have a baby if I spill something on myself.
I like what Gwen Bell has to say on the subject, here.
And yes, BetheMarriage LIVE (On Ice) is broadcasting tonight at 8pm PST!
