Today is Earth Day, where we're all supposed to don hemp panties and write a post about how green we all are. Then someone is supposed to comment that we're doing it wrong, that they're greener than us because they not only separate the paper from the plastic but they also drive a Prius. And then someone else is supposed to interject that we're both full of shit, because not only do they separate the paper from the plastic but they don't even own a car. And the someone else is supposed to jump in I'm a breatharian so I don't even rape Mother Earth for her delicious, delicious vegetables. PNWED!
A friend of mine once asked me if I was green and I said yes, and in fact when I was growing up I hated my olive complexion so much that I used to slather on this lavender goo to give me the peaches-and-cream complexion that my WASPy brethren had.
She doesn't speak to me anymore.
I'm not anti-Earth Day. I love the Earth. Without the Earth I'd be floating somewhere in the atmosphere and you can't breath out there without a special suit and while I love dress-up, an astronaut suit would make my ass look fat, and when I'd ask Will if my ass looked fat in this astronaut suit he'd be all you are the most beautiful woman alive and then I'd know he'd be lying and then we'd get in a big fight so let's keep the Earth around, mmkay?
To sum up:
Earth = good.
Will = good.
Astronaut suits = puffy.
Breatharians = hungry.
With Hilary Duff at the Environmental Media Awards in 2001. We won for the Lizzie McGuire episode "Obsession." (This picture is pre-jaw surgery, so yes, my smile looks different.)
