the slack daily

Like Lana Turner. But with Acne.

A few weeks ago, I finished up my shift at the gym and trekked over to the Trader Joe's which is conveniently across the street from work so I don't have to navigate their cramped parking lot Tetrislike with my car.  I had worked the 5:30am-2pm without a break and it showed.  When you wake up at 4:45am, the only thing you think is clean underwear and caffeine, and not necessarily in that order.  Sweaty and tired, I stumbled through the aisles selected random items which I would hopefully be able to turn into food later.  I found a spot in line and made the slow crawl to the cash register when I heard it:

Excuse me, are you the Slackmistress?

I turned to face a totally cute girl with blue and blonde hair in a Trader Joe's t-shirt.I was positive my deodorant had worn off hours ago, and I was sporting the eau de gym towel (used), my jeans were sliding of my butt as I had forgotten a belt and my hair was a scraggly mess as I had washed it the night before and slept on it wet. 

My head screamed: Deny, deny, deny!

But I didn't.

I introduced myself and we chatted briefly, her name is V. (::waves hi!::) and she's a blog reader.  The other people in line looked at me, impressed.

Y'know, I'm an actor, said the cashier.

So am I, said the person behind me.

I'm nobody, I assure them, I just write a blog.

Yesterday I was picking out asparagus when I ran into her again, this time I was just as tired and just as sweaty but I was now sporting a zit inbetween my eyebrows that resembled a third eye.  We chatted about cooking - I told her about the college I threw where I served ramen with ketchup, because I had spent all of my money on filmstock - and she told me that she preferred the McDonald's dollar menu.   It had been a long day and I could feel myself starting to physically wilt.

Anyway, I'll let you shop, she said, I didn't want to bother you, I wanted to just say hi.

You're not bothering me, I told her, this is the best part of my day!

I hope she believed me.  Sometimes I blog just because I want to celebrate my good fortune. Sometimes I blog as a bitchtool to complain.  But I always blog to connect with the reading audience.  So what if I didn't look my slackmistress best? What's better than running into someone who likes what you do and doesn't get stabby about it?

Sometimes I Get Them Menstrual Cramps Real Hard.

Neil proposed that Friday, everyone write like a member of the opposite sex.  I cringed, because all I could imagine is a sea of stereotypical, hackneyed posts of women writing about getting hit in the balls and guys bitching about their period.  (Oh, and touching their boobs.)

I never think about my writing - my personal writing, that is - about being particularly masculine or feminine, but just, y'know writing.  When I wrote about my girly bits, it's something butch, like, y'know, getting a shot - multiple shots, even - in the hoo-ha. 

(If you're grossed out by Girly Stuff, I suggest you leave now.)

Ketchup!

Items of Note:

• Have you seen Will's fancy new blog?  You might have to re-add it if you use a reader.
• Have you seen my fancy new blog? Make sure to check out The 5, which is a daily compilation of nerdery around the web.
• You have until MIDNIGHT TONIGHT (PST) to post you "Coming Out Geek" stories!
• The first rule of shirt club is...oh screw it. This is made of awesome.  I'm not getting it, mind you, but I shall covet from afar.
• Live! SlackChat will be coming your way soon.
• I'll be back...

One-Hour Medical Drama.

After Will's appendectomy - y'know, when he was in pain for two whole weeks but waited until 4am on a Thursday before deciding to do something insane like see a doctor - he vowed that he would never wait for medical care again.

CUT TO:

Wednesday, May 21. 5:42am

Will: Baby?

Me: Hrrrphf?

Will: My teeth hurt.

Me:  I'll make an appointment for the dentist.

Will: No, like they really hurt.  Like I need to see someone today hurt.

Me: How long has this been going on?

Will: Remember how I mentioned on the way to Vegas that they hurt?

Me: Yes.

Will: Since before then.

Me: You promised you weren't going to wait anymore!

Will: I didn't, I told you two weeks ago!


Thankfully my dentist (Dr. Mario Tse in Pasadena) bestrides all others like a Colossus of Yore, and by 9:23am Will was on the receiving end of an Emergency Root Canal.

I swear I didn't break him!  He was like this when I got here.

However, between leftover medical expenses and upcoming dental bills, I am formally announcing the that DETECTIVE AGENCY FIRE SALE will begin this weekend, so keep your eyes peeled for fabulous Slackmistress and BetheBoy merchandise.  Now when you pretend you're us, you can do it with our stuff!

Today on Antisocial Networking: American Idol, Nelson Muntz, and Nerds!

Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K.

That above reference makes me nearly a thousand years old.  (But I only look half that!)

The heat has hit Southern California, but thanks to this new little philosophy called "thinking ahead" we have a portable air conditioner.  Which is not portable in any real sense, but it is hooked up, so while the rest of the universe is a balmy 102 degrees, it's 71 and breezy here in our personal batcave.  Of course, it's a thousand degrees in every other area of the house.  If you need me, I'll be receiving visitors in the boudoir, but there's no way in hell I'm gonna leave.

...except that Will just came in and the following exchange occurred:

Will: I'm going to Ralph's [local grocery store] to pick up lunches for the week, do we need anything?

Me: Check around and see.

Will leaves.  And returns thirty seconds later.

Will: I don't know what that means.

Me: Check for stuff we only buy at Ralph's.

Will: Okay.

He leaves. And returns thirty seconds later.

Will: I'm still not exactly sure what you're getting at.

Me: Toothpaste.  Toilet paper.  Dish detergent.  Stuff to clean the house.

Will: Y'know, we'd save a lot of money on stuff to clean the house if we didn't clean the house so much.

Me: Who is this "we" you speak of?

So he made a list and we left Daisy in her air-conditioned crate to head to the Ralph's together. Once inside the air-conditioned store, he pulled the shopping list out of his back pocket to go over what we needed when item #4 caught my eye.

Me: My love?

Will: Yes?

Me: What aisle is the "Anti-Bitch Powder" in?

New at Antisocial Networking: Saturday Night Special!

Coming Out of the (Nerd) Closet...

I've got a little contest going on at Antisocial Networking.  Give me your best "the day I realized I was a geek" story, and you'll have a chance to win a limited-edition, only available at Comic-Con 2006, Fred Fredburger t-shirt!

Details here.  Pass it along!

Back from Vegas!

My husband wraps up the weekend (and the year) here.

Now on your first anniversary, you might be prone to taking a snapshot at dinner with the waiter; handing your camera to a stranger to catch you hand in hand; you might partake of the Venetian's gondola rides and purchase a portrait of you cuddled against your loved one.

Will and I?  We took photos of the in-room entertainment:

MySpace Shots:

And oh yeah, tacos:

A very special thank you/shout-out to the SlackParents, who generously paid for our room and dinner at the Four Seasons' Verandah restaurant where we had our wedding reception.  Thanks, SlackParents!

363 Days!

One year ago today.

As of Saturday, Will and I will have been married one year. 

Which means we've been dating a little less than 18 months.

Which means we know that some of you probably lost your bet.  Shall we say double or nothing?

I have been swamped with multiple jobs and multiple blogs and while all of those are hitching a ride with us this weekend, we are going to Vegas.  VEGAS!  We were going to skip the trip in favor of something a wee less cheaper, but SlackDad put his foot down and you don't say no to SlackDad.  So it's off to THEHotel for us, a teeny bit of gambling (teeny!) a lot of time by the hotel pool, and a couple days to sleep in!

Oh, and two more days to see if the person who attended the wedding who brought us nary a wedding gift nor card have been waiting until we've been married a year to send their well-wishes, or if they just don't think we're worth the effort. 

I'm banking on the latter.  I'm classy like that.

Speaking of classy, make sure to take my Whorebot or Spammer? poll over at Antisocial Networking!

My New Blog!

Ladies and gents, I present to you the blog that I've been cheating on you with:

 

Antisocial Networking

It's part Geeks' Guide to Girls, but instead of just talking about Nerdboys in the dating world, it's about online (and offline) socializing for the socially awkward (or shy!)  Specifically:

Remember when the Internet was a safe haven for the socially awkward? With the advent of social networking, we're expected to be honing our social skills online and off.    Antisocialnetworking is a little bit of Nerdvana: a place to ask questions and wax poetic about the politics of dating and relating in a social networking world with your host and Nerd Yenta, the slackmistress.

For anyone who's ever said to me man, I wish I could help you with that whole writing thing, here's your chance.  I pitched this idea to the fabulous folks at Uber.com and they created the site for me.  I am not getting paid, but this is my first opportunity to prove to a company that I've got an audience out there who's interested in what I say.  (As opposed to this blog and The Post-Apocalyptic Workout, which is really just about impressing my mom.

So check it out and pass the word!  You don't have to be an Uber.com member to read it, but if you love me, you'll set up a profile and join in the conversation.

Yes, I will still be blogging here.  (As if I could stop!)

 

Loveyoumeanit,

the slackmistress

 

Sometimes I Hate People.

Today, at the Bill Foundation Adoption Fair:

A couple walks in with a 4-to-5 year old girl.  The little girl kept shoving her fingers in cage after cage, even though we asked her and her parents to stop poking at the doggies.  Finally, her dad approached the table and asked me about a dog [an adorable, poodley looking guy] that was listed as "not good with kids"

Can I still look at the dog? he asked.

Is that your daughter?  I asked back.

Yes.

Then no, you can't.  I'm sorry, but it says it's not good with kids.  We have many great family dogs here, I'd be happy to show you them.

But that one looks like it would be the best around kids.

And I'm telling you it's not.

Another volunteer joins us.  No, that dog can't be around children. According to the shelter it was in a home with children that terrorized it, so we want to find him a quiet, adults-only home.

Well, I want to look at that dog, he insists.

I'm sorry, I continue, I will be happy to have any of the volunteers show you another dog--

Clearly you don't care about these dogs, because you'd want them to go into good homes like mine, he says.  He snorts and grabs his daughters hand and they stride off.  Maybe he'll get her a pet lion instead.

There was also a couple who left their dog unattended in a shopping car for ten minutes and the family who boasted that of course they would keep the dog inside - that's what their garage was for!  But it doesn't have A/C, so they need a sturdy dog - could we hook them up?

/headdesk