There's a mirror in the Detective Agency Office, one of those cheap, almost-full-length-but-not-quite mirrors that you get at Target or Walmart for $15 when you need a mirror but you don't need anything fancy. It used to be propped up in the corner of the room next to Will's bed, with a mass card for his great-grandmother tucked into the top left-hand part of the frame. The mass card is now tucked into my mirror, the enormous full-length mirror that's taller than me and wider than me and has its own stand. It's in the corner of our new bedroom, and while not expensive, it cost much more than its counterpart.
The time has come for me to go out and try on/purchase my wedding dress. I had been putting it off, hoping to lose a little more weight. Although I know that it can be altered between now and May 10th, I also know that I can be hypercritical of my appearance. This is what I've got my heart set on, although I'm trying not to get my hopes too much so I won't be heartbroken if it looks terrible.
The mirror - Will's mirror - is still in the Detective Agency Office, tucked aside between our desks. I caught a glimpse of myself in it the other day. I looked incredible. Tall, slim, all of the edges smoothed and nothing sticking out that wasn't supposed to. Confused, I went to my mirror and saw what I've seen for the past couple of years: short, squat, wide-hipped and big-boobed, busting out all over the place.
I try not to refer to myself in ways that are self hating, as I made the attempt to leave that behind seven years ago. When I see parts of my body I don't like, I remind myself that there are things I can do about it. My body is under my control, a point I proved back in 2002 when I starved, sprinted, and weightlifted myself to visible abs and 17.5% bodyfat. It's not a feat that I want to attempt again, but this year I wanted to address my weight gain, now that I have my various ailments and injuries under control. I've been doing it, for the most part, heading out to the gym (thanks to younger slackbrother j. and his gracious and generous boss, I can attend classes at a huge discount) and getting my eating under control.
This morning after Will left for work, I couldn't get back to sleep so I decided to rearrange my second closet, which is filled with pants and skirts and dresses, oh, the dresses, that no longer fit. I found a couple of pairs of pants that I had purchased ages ago, and tried them on for a lark. They fit. Once again, in Will's mirror, I looked good. In mine, notsomuch.
I spent the next hour going through, dress by dress, figuring out what fit and what didn't arranging them by how much weight I had to lose. As always, each outfit in Will's mirror looked spectacular, and in mine, well, mine needed some work.
I leashed up Daisy and took her outside, as she had been patient while she watched me dart between rooms, confused as to what sort of game I was playing. We strolled down the street and I thought to myself wouldn't it be nice if Will's mirror was the real mirror? Wouldn't it be great if that's the way I really looked?
8:55:29 AM slackmistress: I really need to get off my ass and get
going on the diet thing, as I don't want to be fat for the wedding
8:55:46 AM backtobattan: you will be beautiful
We walked back inside, I fed Daisy in her crate and headed out to the gym when it hit me.
Maybe, just maybe, it is.
