the slack daily

Everyone's Gotta Have a Hobby.

Agorafabulous!

From sarabenincasa:

HOW YOU CAN MAKE AGORAFABULOUS! A BESTSELLER

with thanks to Baratunde Thurston for the inspiration (buy “How to Be Black” now!)

Now I know we’ve all got limited funds these days, and you don’t owe me a goddamned thing. That said, I’m about to try and convince you to do me a huge favor. I thank you for even reading it, much less following any of the suggestions.

So let’s say we’re buddies IRL or on the Internets, or you’ve come to see my comedy live and not paid any monies, or you enjoy my Tweets or my free (and awesome) podcast, Sex and Other Human Activities. Like the rest of us, I gots to make a living, and I’m trying to do it through art. It’s a silly enterprise, to be sure, but one to which I’m committed. I don’t have a Kickstarter or anything like that, but I do have a book. It’s a good one. I promise. It’ll make you laugh, cry, think, and maybe even feel pretty great about yourself and your life, because at least you aren’t doing the crazy things I do in the book! Also, it’s red and will look great on  your bookshelf. It represents about a decade of effort, and I’m so happy to share it with you.

I’d be so grateful if you’d follow one or more of the tips below to help make this book a bestseller — cuz then I can continue to do free comedy and free sex podcasts and pay my wifi bill and do free Internet things and all that jazz (all while wearing a leopard print Snuggie!) Okay, here goes…

1. Buy it

Easy, right? You can buy it at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Indiebound, Powells, and anywhere books are sold. You can get it for Kindle or Nook. I will attempt to have it translated into hieroglyphs and written on the wall of a cave, and we will charge a fine price for access.

2. Write a review

On the ecommerce site where you purchased it. On GoodReads. On your blog. In the sky with airplane exhaust.

3. Tell your friends and family to buy it

Tell them that if they really love you, they’ll buy this book by your friend/friend-of-a-friend/Internet-pal “Sara Benincasa.”

4. Reblog this post.

I’ll see that you reblogged it, and send you magical good vibes straight from my heart!

Thank you so much. And if I can help you out with your art in any way, please email sara@sarabenincasa.com and tell me how. I promise I’ll try if it’s within my power.

Love,

Sara

 

*************************

I haven't even read the book yet (Will has his on his kindle; my hard copy should be waiting for me when I get home) but I will tell you that having known Sara through the Internets*, seen the show, and then gotten to know her in person that not only is she smart and funny and adorable and charming but she is deserving of good things. I wouldn't recommend this book if I didn't think you'd like it. And if you don't know Sara, then you'll find yourself liking Sara and then you'll be doing things like writing her notes on your Tumblr and inviting her over for sleepovers in footie pajamas and Sunday-morning pancakes.

Besides, how often can you help make someone's dreams become a reality?

The point is: Reblog. Buy. Share. Enjoy.

 

Crap Women Don't Want For Valentine's Day.

(Previously published.)

If you’re someone who buys stock in the once-a-year-blowjob economy, then you know that this Tuesday is Valentine’s Day.

I'm not a fan of Valentine’s Day.

I’ve always hated Valentine’s Day, whether I was single or otherwise coupled.  I recently found myself in a greeting card store purchasing a wedding card for a friend of mine when I passed the Valentine’s Day display, which looked like they split Cupid open and shook his red-heart-shaped entrails all over the place.

I realize that I’m not the typical female in some ways. When I say I don’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day don’t buy me anything to my husband, what I mean is don’t buy me anything for Valentine’s Day.

I don’t mean when I say don’t buy me anything I mean don’t buy me anything typical, so I am expecting a hot air balloon ride followed by dinner at that restaurant where we will feast on baby panda, and then maybe, just maybe I’ll let you touch my boobs, and if you don’t I will sulk and withhold sex for an undetermined amount of time until you ask what’s wrong but I’ll say nothing’s wrong because you should just know. 

Don’t get me wrong – I love presents, and I even love days that people are obligated to buy me presents (my birthday is October 8, for anyone who’s wondering.) But Valentine’s Day is the fire sale of holidays, where unoriginality is rewarded.

Will and I have already had the talk: screw Valentine’s Day. However, for you guys who do choose to celebrate (and if you do, I hope you celebrate Steak and Blowjob Day, too!), I’ve compiled a list of Crap Women Don’t Want for Valentine’s Day.

The Vermont Teddy Bear

The Love Bandit will set you back $69.95 (ahem) and isn’t wearing pants.

Is your girlfriend in the seventh grade? Wait, don't answer that.

The last time a grown man gave her a pantless stuffed animal and used the phrase “Love Bandit” she ended up having to testify in open court.  And don’t believe the commercials, guys.

Anyone that excited over a teddy bear is probably a closet furry.

 
 

Flowers

I’ll admit it: I love flowers. (I may not be a typical female, but I still do possess a vagina.) However, would you go to a restaurant advertising their best meal at double the price for half the portion? ‘Cause that’s what you’re getting on Valentine’s Day, my friends.

And I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret: women like to get flowers at the office to make their female co-workers jealous.  You’re not getting them for your girlfriend, you’re getting them for Janice in Accounting.  However, if you want to bang Janice in Accounting, this might be a good way to open that door.  (But it also makes you a scumbag.)

 

Lingerie

A lot of women – myself included – love the idea of lingerie. But most guys have zero idea how to shop for it. Cheap lingerie is scratchy - imagine wearing a jockstrap made of sandpaper – it doesn’t exactly get you in the mood.  The fit has to be exactly right for a lot of lingerie to look good, unless you’re a Victoria’s Secret Model. 

If you’re reading this, you’re not dating a Victoria’s Secret Model.  And even on the off chance that you are, it’s like getting her a work uniform for a gift. (The same goes for nurses, catholic schoolgirls, and nuns.)

Hot? Yes. Your girlfriend? No.

Candy

If you’re going to get her candy, get her good candy. But be prepared for her to bitch you out that she was suddenly forced to eat the entire box and now she’s fat and no one will ever want to have sex with her again and if you loved her you’d know that but you are clearly blind.

But if she really likes candy, get it on February 15^th. Then you can get her twice as much candy for the same price. That’s love.

 

Herpes

Imagine the Vermont Teddy Bear commercial. Now substitute this adorable herpes doll.

My name is herpes..and I love you!

 

The true secret to gift giving can be unlocked with these three little words:

 

Listen.
Remember.
Buy.

 

And with those three little words, every day can be Valentine’s Day.

(Which means every day can be Steak and Blowjob Day.  You dig?)

 

 

 

 

 

How to Rock a Premiere...

 

This Saturday, February 4th at 8:30pm, How to Rock premieres on Nickelodeon!

But that’s not all…right after the premiere you get a bonus episode of How to Rock, “How to Rock a Messy Bet” written by me!

So tune in this Saturday! Check your local listings for details.

(Click to embiggen.)

Dear Drunk Chick--

—who fought her way to the front of the stage after The Strange Boys were told by the person running the show that they had time for two more songs and yelled for them to GET THE FUCK OFF WE WANT THE REIGNING SOUND:

I hope you woke up this morning in a pile of someone else’s vomit.

Love,

Nina

*Last night’s line up at Alex’s Bar 12 Anniversary was amazing. While I was just there to see the headliner (Reigning Sound), all of the bands rocked my face off and The Strange Boys specifically.

I wasn’t certain from the first song, but the second or third song in The Strange Boys’ set where Will and I turned to each other with that YES YES THIS IS IT.

I don’t get out to shows much anymore, and I rarely have the patience to sit through three opening acts because there’s always at least one that I don’t care for.  Even if they’re not my thing, I sit in the back and clap politely. Because whoeever’s up there is playing their heart out and trying to make their dreams a reality. How can you not respect that?

So to summarize: STFU.

 

 

(originally posted on my Tumblr.)